Seeds teach us patience. They teach us to pay attention. To listen. Each seed has a story to tell. A lineage and connection. Just as we do. No seed is the same. Each seed requires its own unique environment and growing conditions for growth and maturity. Just as we do.
I find myself in this moment sitting with all the seeds I have planted in my life and the ones that have been handed down to me. I reflect on the lessons they have taught me and continue to teach me. Some have brought me immense joy and others great pain. Some have brought me both.
I’ll be honest. I have planted seeds that I knew damn well had no place in my garden. The climate was not right. It would be a waste of water, time and energy. And yet, there I was. Me, trying to grow an avocado tree in the high desert of ‘burque. Well, I’ve not really tried that, but I might as well have. “Terca,” my mom would call me when I was younger. She wasn’t lying.
Norma Ryuko Kawelokū Wong Roshi offers, “Prolonged disasters force us to seriously examine our priorities. Our choices determine how we deal with and weather the crisis. And if we can be conscious long enough, we begin to see and feel how those choices define us beyond the disaster horizon. – Kalihi Valley, 24 March 2020
What are the choices I am making? Will they sustain me and my loved ones in the long run? Some years I’ve let the weeds take over. Propagate and spread. It’s hard to take out a weed once it’s found a home. It doesn’t want to leave. Weeding is essential and necessary, just as choosing and planting the right seed is.
I started my seeds at the end of March. Many have sprouted and others have not. It’s always disappointing when the seeds you plant don’t grow. I watch my little pots everyday. Staring at the barren ones. Calling the seedlings forth. Maybe I over watered? Did I let them dry out? Was the seed bad? Was the soil good? Am I just too impatient? Yes, I am. So many questions and factors to weigh. Life is like this. Are the conditions right to grow our best self? Are we planting and nurturing the right seeds in our life? Have we weeded out what we need to so that new growth can flourish?
I have been feeling an immense grief and sadness. I find myself caught in a cycle of regret and self-doubt. These are not new feelings or emotions. I have dealt with them before, but they feel compounded. There is a heightened sensitivity to everything and everyone right now. I was talking to my daughter on the phone the other day. She moved to Los Angeles a few weeks before the COVID 19 pandemic shut down the states. We reflect on this life-altering time. We miss each other. I pray for her. She prays for me. I wanted to hug her. We settle for virtual hugs, expressions of love, gratitude and animo. We are empaths. We feel deeply. It can be a lot. Sometimes, I want to turn it off. Can I just not “feel” so much?
Scott Berinato writes, “Your work is to feel your sadness and fear and anger whether or not someone else is feeling something. Fighting it doesn’t help because your body is producing the feeling. If we allow the feelings to happen, they’ll happen in an orderly way, and it empowers us. Then we’re not victims.“
These feelings are part of my soil bed. They belong. When I have tended to them, I can pull them up with love and compassion, and let them go. I can then make room for more self love and forgiveness. Not be so hard on myself as a mother, daughter, sister, lover, friend. Be grateful for everything this moment is offering.
My daughter is one of my greatest teachers. The seed that has given me the greatest joy and at times feelings of self-doubt, inadequacy and regret of “not having done enough” or “been enough.” She is constantly weeding. Teaching me to let go and focus on tending to what brings me the greatest passion and joy.
My prayer and hope is that I have nourished her enough. Provided good roots and soil to sink into. That in times of uncertainty she feels loved and supported. That she remembers the medicine she carries. That she knows her ancestors have her back. That she has the seeds she needs to plant her best self and let go of anything that does not serve her highest self. I pray this for myself as well.
In a time of fear, our service and commitment to others can unlock courage. In the rush to hoard, saving all means sharing and looking out for one another. In the sudden stop of business as usual, we have a chance to figure out what we should and can trim from our lives. –Norma Ryuko Kawelokū Wong Roshi
With each weed of self doubt or fear that I pull up, I make more room for chile verde and maiz. Plant more seeds of creativity and joy. Water the cucumbers, radishes and sandia seedlings that are sprouting up. I can’t wait to pluck them from their stems and relish in their offering.
I am planting semillas por vida, seeds for life. A garden of love and sustenance. I am a garden. A bed of fertile soil. I am dry, cracked earth. I am a river. I am thirsty. I am contradictions. I am human.
–All Photos by Alicia Lueras Maldonado
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Alicia Lueras Maldonado is a multidisciplinary artist who brings performance, photography and a social justice ethic to her work. She is Native New Mexican, born and raised in the community of Atrisco. Alicia is the President and CEO of Atlixco Productions, LLC., which serves progressive nonprofits, individuals and businesses to achieve positive community engagement, social change, and cross-sector relationships that build toward the greater good. As an actor, photographer, director and producer, Alicia has collaborated with Ironweed Productions, Camino Real Productions, Duke City Repertory, Working Classroom, the National Hispanic Cultural Center, Teatro Nuevo Mexico and Humano Productions, among others. Her photographs were recently featured in the “Genizaro Identity and Continuance” exhibit at the Gutierrez Hubbell House (January 2018 to May 2019).
Alicia is also a reiki practitioner and has studied natural healing traditions, curanderismo and herbalism for many years. She has a B.A. in Communication & Journalism and a B.A. in Spanish from the University of New Mexico. Her background in the arts, politics, community organizing and social justice gives her a unique perspective, which she brings to her consulting, coaching, facilitation, writing and art.